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new beginnings, old feelings.
Aug. 13th, 2023 01:06 pm hey. been a while, huh. i kind of maybe sort of forgot about this completely. but hey! i'm back now! life got weird. i graduated high school (go capscul!), and i move out for college soon. i've got a cool big adult apartment now. to get to campus its a twenty minute trudge, but i'm working on learning the bus schedule. i already got my apartment keys, and moved the bulk of my things in, but i move in fully in a few days. my classes start about a week after that.
it's cool to think about my future, but also wholly and entirely terrifying. i know every cliché says that, but it really is. i've cried a lot. this bed i sleep in won't be my bed anymore. it'll be my childhood bed. my thanksgiving bed. my christmas bed. my summer bed. this won't be where i live, my house. it'll become my childhood home. where i used to live. in a matter of days. i can't really wrap my head around that, and when i try to i start crying.
that being said, thank GOD i am not in high school anymore. that is such a bonus. there's this guy i crushed on for basically the entire back half of high school. like major heart eyes swooning. (embarrassing, i know, just bear with me.) i went kayaking with a guy friend and posted a picture of us to my story. simple friendly stuff. the guy i crushed on replies, jokingly. my naive silly gullible heart ate his attention UP. we keep chatting, then the conversation takes a turn. one thing leads to another, and suddenly this guy is confessing to me that he thought, and still thinks, i'm very attractive, and wants to hook up with me. (he described his wants in more detail, but this is not ao3, i will not be relaying his exact wording. just take my word for it, it was DETAILED.) this made me pause. i did not know how to take this. i really thought he was cute, and liked him. the rational voice in the back of my head all but screamed at me, that he only mentioned things he liked about my body. only talked about how he wanted a hookup. nothing more. if you thought this was tricky, dear lovely reader, it only goes down hill from here. turns out, he moves for college a whole hell of a lot sooner than i do. that gave me about a week-long window to decide if i wanted to get with him before he left. i'm slightly ashamed to admit that this really tore me up. i didn't know what to do. if you can't tell based on my choice to chronicle my life in blog posts instead of actually talking to people, i don't have much experience in that realm. that only further complicated my choice. after days of turmoil, i made up my mind. i wouldn't hook up with him. i knew in my heart that choosing not to, was for the better. i still get tiny pangs of regret from time to time. painful little "what ifs" that dissipate as soon as they appear.
i'm a little scared college might be the same. again, referring back to my online chronicling, i'm not the most social person. ugh! whatever. he was stinky and lame and smelly and lame anyway. i'm pretty darn cute, if i do say so myself. and i think that's enough. i have people who care about me. i'll make a new friend or two in college. i'll be alright. even if this is terrifying, and painful, and like being dragged through thistle ass first, it's for the better.
i just want to believe. i need something to believe in. there's more that happened between my last entry and now, but i'm lazy and wanna nap LOL. i might post more later today, i might not. who knows!
- capscul ;P
it's cool to think about my future, but also wholly and entirely terrifying. i know every cliché says that, but it really is. i've cried a lot. this bed i sleep in won't be my bed anymore. it'll be my childhood bed. my thanksgiving bed. my christmas bed. my summer bed. this won't be where i live, my house. it'll become my childhood home. where i used to live. in a matter of days. i can't really wrap my head around that, and when i try to i start crying.
that being said, thank GOD i am not in high school anymore. that is such a bonus. there's this guy i crushed on for basically the entire back half of high school. like major heart eyes swooning. (embarrassing, i know, just bear with me.) i went kayaking with a guy friend and posted a picture of us to my story. simple friendly stuff. the guy i crushed on replies, jokingly. my naive silly gullible heart ate his attention UP. we keep chatting, then the conversation takes a turn. one thing leads to another, and suddenly this guy is confessing to me that he thought, and still thinks, i'm very attractive, and wants to hook up with me. (he described his wants in more detail, but this is not ao3, i will not be relaying his exact wording. just take my word for it, it was DETAILED.) this made me pause. i did not know how to take this. i really thought he was cute, and liked him. the rational voice in the back of my head all but screamed at me, that he only mentioned things he liked about my body. only talked about how he wanted a hookup. nothing more. if you thought this was tricky, dear lovely reader, it only goes down hill from here. turns out, he moves for college a whole hell of a lot sooner than i do. that gave me about a week-long window to decide if i wanted to get with him before he left. i'm slightly ashamed to admit that this really tore me up. i didn't know what to do. if you can't tell based on my choice to chronicle my life in blog posts instead of actually talking to people, i don't have much experience in that realm. that only further complicated my choice. after days of turmoil, i made up my mind. i wouldn't hook up with him. i knew in my heart that choosing not to, was for the better. i still get tiny pangs of regret from time to time. painful little "what ifs" that dissipate as soon as they appear.
i'm a little scared college might be the same. again, referring back to my online chronicling, i'm not the most social person. ugh! whatever. he was stinky and lame and smelly and lame anyway. i'm pretty darn cute, if i do say so myself. and i think that's enough. i have people who care about me. i'll make a new friend or two in college. i'll be alright. even if this is terrifying, and painful, and like being dragged through thistle ass first, it's for the better.
i just want to believe. i need something to believe in. there's more that happened between my last entry and now, but i'm lazy and wanna nap LOL. i might post more later today, i might not. who knows!
- capscul ;P
