capscul

 it's been a while. college classes are a lot (shocker). theres so much that happened, i'm a little nervous that i won't get to it all. or that i cover it in the wrong order. strap in, dear lovely reader, this one will be LONG. 

turns out i'm not half bad when it comes to chemistry and biology. (though i'm MUCH better at bio) the exams i've had so far have gone alright. i have this class that's pass fail, with other people in my major/very similar major. i've made a good amount of friends in there, which is very happy news. there happens to be a specific person in there who most of this update will be about. let's call him kenji (because that's nothing like his real name, sorry dear lovely reader no info leaks for you). oh my god is he cute. like genuine heart eye goopy drooling. kenji also happens to give me a lot of attention. specifically, he goes out of his way to say my name. like, instead of just saying "hi" or "hello" he'll include my name. he also does this thing where when he sees me or something he'll do this half-sigh and go "capscul, capscul, capscul" (except my real name, duh) and he does it with this little corner-mouth smile. i might be reading too far into this, but let a girl dream! this is the first time i've ever gotten attention like this from a guy! i'm gonna BASK in it and maybe be a little cray-cray. 

i've known kenji for a hair shy of two months at this point. i've been crushing on him (at least thinking he's a little cute) for close to the whole time i've really known him. this attention has been here since about this time too. also a tiny bit after this time, i start seeing him out of that class more often. we study together, but not one on one. before our first bio exam, i was in the library doing some last minute studying, when out of seemingly NOWHERE he walks over, snaps his fingers near me and says "come on." and points to his table and IMMEDIATELY turns and walks back to his table. he didn't check to see if i was following. i think he knew i was going to. we study for a little bit, but eventually we all get distracted. kenji brings up tinder. i make a joke along the lines of "if i ever see anyone i know on tinder i'd freak out". kenji says SO NONCHALANTLY "i'd swipe right on you capscul." and goes back to conversation like that as nothing. HELLO?? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HEAR THAT AND JUST BE NORMAL??

there are other things of that caliber that have occurred, too many tiny things for me to recount. i know each one dug me further into my personal pit of delusion. i don't like saying it, because i don't like fishing for compliments, but i'm very insecure. i don't feel very attractive most days. i feel average, or just slightly below. recieving this type and quantity of attention from kenji is obviously going to make me feel very special. 

then, on a fateful wednesday night, i see kenji on tinder. my jaw DROPPED. i froze like a deer in headlights. my heart was pounding and my hands trembled. i thought "oh my god i knew we were both on tinder, but OH MY GOD" and i took a risk. i swiped right on him. no instant match. i thought, "well. i tried. whatever." and got off tinder and listened to music. minutes later i get a notification. from tinder. it says i have a new match. i cannot accurately describe my shock and anxiety as i open tinder. lo and behold, kenji matched with me. i froze. i giggled. i squealed. i freaked out trying to think of what to message him. eventually i did and i said "wow you look just like this guy i study with how crazy" and he gave some dry reply. i then realized i was going to see him in person literally the next day and freaked out big time. 

the next day rolls around and i only admit that we matched to one girl i knew i could trust. i told her to keep it ABSOLUTELY secret. not a soul knows. to her credit, she upheld that. unfortunately, kenji didn't. apparently one of his friends was there when he matched with me. he also told a lot of our mutual friends we matched on tinder. he treated it like it was some kind of joke. that stung. a lot. like matching with me on there was only for some kind of bit. i understand dating apps like that aren't that serious, but like...ouch.



despite that and based on everything else, i didn't assume he liked me as much as i like him but, i assumed he at least had an inkling of interest in me. until he mentioned his plans for this long weekend. he was going to this girl's place up north. staying there all weekend. said she was "so fine" or something along those lines that was equally hard to hear. i tried to play it off. make jokes with him about it. be the cool girl who can take it. there's no reason for me to be jealous. no reason for me to cock block. he even skipped our pass-fail class together to pack for the weekend with her. he'd be staying in her room the whole time. he was going to party and have fun with her. 

learning about this was in the same day that he was joking about us matching on tinder. that was salt, lime juice, and hot sauce all violently jammed in the wound. it's so selfish and childish, but i dressed extra nice that day knowing i'd see him. knowing he'd see me after matching with me. i thought i looked cute. attractive even. after hearing his plans with this girl, i felt like a second place swine slathered in lipstick trying to be seen as anything but. it's so hard to just be normal and not think of the fact he's with another girl right now. in her room. it's so selfish and unlike me. i don't know what's wrong with me. i assumed that this weekend while he's away will be good time for me to reflect and move forward. realize that he doesn't want me. that i'm a good person to study with, and that's about it. of course, nothing ever goes as i expect or hope. 

it's the weekend now, and friday night and most of saturday i heard nothing from him. until about 10 at night. he called me. he said hello (and my name more times than he had to). he said he was with alex and john (not real names, duh) and that they were fucked up. i laughed and giggled like an idiot. i wasn't thinking, i just loved hearing the smile in his voice. loved hearing the syllables of my name tumble from his tongue. ugh. i could hear the smile in his voice. god that was addictive. it almost made me forget he was drunk calling me from another girl's room. almost. he called the girl over. made her say hello to me. i said hello to her, just trying to be polite. very shortly after he told me he was just calling to say hello and said goodbye and hung up. i sat there, in my bed, still. i didn't know how to process any of that. i still don't. i keep mulling over some kind of way to excuse or explain that. i haven't settled on an answer. 

i can't help but feel bad about myself. like a pig in drugstore lipstick and clothes not meant for my body. i'm insecure. and sad. and upset. i'm upset that i'm not upset with him. i'm upset that i'm not angry, that i don't hate him. i'm upset that no matter what he does or how much i tell myself that i'm done, the moment he calls i'm scampering to his feet like a sad dog. i still want him. i just don't want to feel like his backup plan. like the girl he keeps close by just incase his main girl falls through. the girl he keeps to boost his ego, because he knows i'll stick to his heels. i want him to want me. i want him. god that's so pathetic.

i feel so much that i can't even put to words. i'm not going to proof read this before i put it up. it's taken me over a day to write all this anyway. why are boys so mean? why does he treat me like this, then send me such mixed signals? why do i not hate him for it? why do i still want him as much as ever? please dear reader, don't fall into this trap. it sucks. a lot. 

-capscul ;P

 

Ruby doesn’t know who she is. When she asks, nobody can seem to describe her the same way twice. Is she cool? Are all her niche interests esoteric and chic? Or are they just lame? Is that why when she talks about them she doesn’t think anyone’s listening? She has loads of “school friends”. She can’t go a day without someone saying hello in the halls. But they’re just school friends. She spends every night alone doom-scrolling on her phone, and trying to ignore how much it hole-punches her ribcage when she sees a post of all her school friends hanging out without her. Or worse, watching pirated movies on her laptop. Romance. That’s her guilty pleasure. She only admits it in cloaked sarcastic remarks. She doesn’t want anyone to know such a unique girl could be so boring. Could crave something that simple. 

She wants somebody to finally be nice to her. Not polite, plenty of people are polite, but nice. She could never admit that, though. People are nice to her every day. She just can’t get herself to believe it. She can’t believe compliments or praise. She feels she needs to earn it, but has never worked hard enough. She willingly takes hold of Sisyphus’ boulder and rolls it to Prometheus. She chains herself to her boulder and rips out her own liver, inviting the eagle to take a bite. It never does. It makes her believe there’s something new wrong with her. She takes this self-hatred, this indignation and uses it as fuel. She needs to be strong, independent. The unconventional individualistic quirky loud untouchable girl. She wants to finally be held. 

She wants to be loved by millions. She wants, even more, to finally be loved by one. She doesn’t even want to love them back. She just wants to know it’s possible to love her in the first place. She needs to know if she was the problem all along. 

She wants to stop rewatching Twilight because she knows it’s warping her perception of healthy love and relationships. She knows all this romance media is just making things worse. But in no other facet of her life is it possible to pretend that a man might just be nice to her. It’s depressing that no man has been kind to her. Not even for sex. For attention. For glory. Not even as a joke. She worries that she took the concept of being “untouchable” in the wrong direction, and it’s way too late to turn back now. 

She stays awake at night paralyzed by the fact she doesn’t even know what her favorite color is. How much else does she not know? Does she even have a personality? Who is she? Why will no one tell her?

Therapy is long and too expensive for her to afford. She doesn’t want to spend thousands of dollars to talk to someone who never seems to understand her. She just wants someone to tell her what to do. Someone to fix her. Make her normal. Better. 

She wants. She worries. She does nothing.